helo it is me the inner child...

helo it is me the inner child you may hav bene wondering were i hav been a ha ha ha ha ha. never you mind. anyway i breezed back into town to see my outer adult and wat do i fynd but the old brod in a stayt lying on the divan with a pillow over her hed.

'behold' i sed 'behold outer adult it is i yore creeaytiv jeenius.'

'leev me alone' sed ungraytful seraphic 'i am not interested in any more creeaytiv jeenius i hav vissi d'arte stuck in my hed.'

'beter vissi d'arte than a stake nyf' i sed 'by the way are you pregnant yet?'

'i wish peeple wud stop asking that' sed seraphic. 'i was at a party drinking vodka strait up and i got asked that. i observed that if i were i wud not be drinking large qwantities of vodka. then i was told how cute i wil look wen i am pregnant and asked how i felt about ivf. the nite ended badly thank you for asking.'

'you shud not be so overrot' i sed patting the pillow in a freindly way. 'you shud tayk a pill. wat abowt a nise pill?'

'i kannot tayk a nise pill' sed the outer adult 'because they caus birth deefeks. wen i slyde into menopaus i will tayk grate handfuls of sertraline but for now i hav to leve my brayn chemistrie striktlie alone.'

'grayshus outer adult' i sed 'wen dos this menopausal slyde begin?'

'at this rayt a week toosday' sed seraphic.'perche Signore perche me ne rimuneri cosi?'

'lissen' i sed 'wy dont i tell you a nis storie? let me see. ons there was a tiny remnant of aristokratik jacobite pixies living in late 18th senturie edinburrah. ther was CHARLES pewsie, the erl of grunstayn, hoo was the hansomest man in all edinburrah and his wyf HERMIONE was very intelligent but playn. they had a bunch of sons but more importantly they had a prettie dotter named PROODENS to marry off. the most likely candidayt was sir charles best freind the hon the rev mr HEWBERT ROBINSON even tho he was of cors a lot older than proodens and had strong 17th senturie views on the wikkedness of wimmen in general.'

'this all sounds very familiar' sed my outer adult.

'the rev hewberts views on wimmen were colored by his very wikked but bewtiful sister CLEMENTYN dowayjer duchess of paisley' i kontinued. 'for one thing she poysoned her husband the duke of paisley and for another she lusted after the erl of grunstayn her hole lyf long even after he was married how shokking. her brother hewbert only fownd that owt layter tho and he thot charles resiprokated thees filthy and illegal feelings so he challenjed charles to a dooel and wud hav killed him had proodens not showed up in the nik of tym on charles best stallion and distrakted him. trajically however this ment that hewbert was kritikallie woonded and fell into his wikked sisters power. she of cors is using the situaychun to fulfil her ultimayt goal wich is revenj on all the men in her familie plus rooining hermiones repewtashun plus having her wikked way with charles the erl of grunstayn. i am not sure if ignatius press will want this book wat do you think?'

'i think you will never finish' sed seraphic. 'you promised evrybodie a touching reunion of proodens and hewbert by hewberts bedside months ago and then you disappeered.'

'well i am bak now' i sed 'so ill get rite down to it'.

'too late' sed seraphic 'nobody cayrs any more and as for me i am turning my face to the wall.'

'oh noooo!' i wayled 'dont do that outer adult! dont turn your face to the wall! at leest wayt until i finish the bodis riper. wen it is done doubleday or some other competitor will offer us a huge advans and we can go to capri. you lyk capri. you cannot be sad in capri.'

'lissen' sed seraphic 'nobody is going to offer us a huje advans becaus you cannot spell.'

'how dayre you' i sed. 'my spelling makes the bodis riper a work of postmodern geenius.'

'i yewsed to make $40 a hour fixing essays' meysed the outer adult. 'wat ever hapened to that?'

'dont be so materialistik' i sed. 'personally i hav always lived for art and luv and insidentally i never did harm to a living sole.'

'stop it' cryed seraphic pulling the pillow around her ears 'stop it! stop!"

okay for the chapter before this one go heer

bodis-riper 3.9

it was in a costewm of rich fawn brown that proodens appeered in the park at the fashunable hour. and as was discussed at evry club and dinner partie that evning she was driving none other than the dowajer duchess of paisleys bays as the dowajer duchess of paisley dressed in chocolate brown sat besyd her.

'grate hevens!' sed lady crane to lady cameron as clementine wayved to their barouche. 'i cannot beleev my eies!'

'bless my cuzzins maternal sole' sed lady cameron. 'you see there was nothing in all that stuff and nonsens about the dooel. poor lady proodens to be so malyned! my nikk is qwite mad about her you kno.'

'and there he is' sed lady crane as a blond man on horseback cot up to the paisley curricle. the curricle wich had been rolling along at a fine clip slowed as the horseman leaned towards it.

'i feel as if i have been transported to mount olympus' sed sir nikk 'for clearly venus and psyche have taken out phoebus chariot for a dryv.'

'and how am i to tayk that' demanded the red-haired duchess. 'watever else one kan say abowt her venus mayd a perfektlie friteful mother-in-law.'

'beter a mother-in-law than a sister-in-law' sed nikk meeningfulie and a blush tinged the fase of the young dryver.

'hush' sed clementyn rapping his rein-encased nukkels with her fan. 'shame on you when my poor brother is still so unwell. wen he seeses to rayv then such gentel jests are permissible--by family. but in the meantime mind your manners.'

'poor old fellow' sed sir nikk suppressing an envious sneer. 'but i beleev that parsons as a class are prone to such nervus disorders.'

'if only it were that' sihed the duchess with a swift look at her pretty charge. 'theres a streak of madness in us robinsons you kno. you shud thank heven that your syd of the familie is free of it. you can marry---and remarry--without the guilt of passing on the taint to children as yet unborn!'

her voice cot in her throte and although nikk was in general a very selfish man he thot that such an attitude was rather a waste of the dowayjers scrumptious charms.

'but never mind' clementyn continued britely 'never having been a mother mayks me all the more fond of young girls like lady proodens here. doesnt that colour suit her wonderfully?'

'you both suit each other wonderfully' sed sir nikk gliblie. 'i konfess i am almost overwelmed. i am sure i am the envy of every man in the park. by the way i dont suppose hermio--lady grunestayn is here this afternoon?'

proodens looked at him with a blue and icy gaze.

'mamma is at home,' sed the girl coldly 'with papa.'

'then i shall call upon them there' sed sir nikk easily and doffed his hat. 'good afternoon laydies.'

'goodness grayshus laydy proodens,' laffed the duchess when the blond head was out of earshot. 'wat a set down!'

proodens blushed.

'i didnt meen to be rood' she sed. she struggled for sumthing nise to say. 'he has always been so kind and attentiv.'

'i daresay' sed clementyn 'whip up those horses prudens or every gabbler in the park will think we are fair game. but as half the girls in town are setting thier caps at yung nikolas cameron you do very well to keep him at a distans. o the most trustworthy young man there is of corse but perhaps a little spoiled by attenshun. he is so handsome you see.'

'yes' sed proodens slowly 'he is handsome altho of corse not so handsome as papa--even to older ladies like mamma...'

'even to!' chortled the duchess. 'deer me proodens wat hav you been told abowt older ladies? i deklare i am shokked at yore cynicism. yes many older ladies in their dotage do becom entransed with young fases--la! the stories i cud tell you--but you can tayk it from me that no older ladie of cents wud hav anything to say to sir nikk wen yore father was in the room. deer me no. in fakt they wud be much more likely to prefer my poor brother... wy i think there was some tawk of hewbert corting hermione before charles fixed things up...."

"wat!" cried proodens and her face flamed. 'o no yore grays. i am qwite shur that cannot be. i hav never herd any such storie. mamma has told me many times that the only man who was ever---.'

she broke off. it was one thing to know that mamma had only ever had one suitor and qwite another to menshun it to another wumman.

'ever good enough for her' supplied the duchess hartily. 'well perhaps i am mistayken. i was still in the skoolroom after all. and they told me yore mother was such a serious shy girl--only confident wen she was arguing some philosophikal or ekonomik point! but as we hav seen she was a late bloomer blossoming into bewty in middle age. well some women are like that. i am shur i am happy for her.'

'mm-mamma?' stammered proodens. 'a bewty?'

'my dear girl how unfilial!' laffed clementyn. 'dont tell me you are envious of your mother! wy shud she not hav sum admirashun too?'

'but er i meen to say that is thank you very much' sed proodens doutfullie. ons agane she had the unhappy feeling of being possessed by two proodenses: the old proodens hoo sed and did whatever she liked and cared only for elefants and the new proodens who never knew wat to say and seemed always in the wrong and often wanted just to lie in bed and cry.

"your welcome' sed the duchess. 'as for nikk wat i wish is that he wud settle down with a very nice girl and not with one of those widows he is always seen with. really hes just a boy--but wat a deliteful man he will be wen he grows up. a wonderful catch for somebody'

she affected to sigh and then laffed.

'youll be thinking i'm in my dotage next! never mind all this tawk of bewty and luv laydie proodens! if you are satisfied that the horses hav had enuff i suggest we dryv home to supper. we shall dress you shall visit the poor invalid and then we shall dine early. how does that suit you?'

'very well yore grays' sed proodens. All thots of sir nikk and her mother flew from her hed, and her hart began beet lyk a drum.

to be kontinued...